# Oh, well, in five years' time we could be walking round a zoo
# With the sun shining down over me and you
# And there'll be love in the bodies of the elephants too
# I'll put my hands over your eyes, but you'll peep through
# And there'll be # Sun, sun, sun
# All down our necks
# And there'll be # Sun, sun, sun
# So what the heck? #
ADULT SAZ: Ever since I can remember,
numbers have been an important part of my life.
Being good at maths has always made me happy.
LITTLE SAZ: Do you know, Beth, you're twice as old as me now.
By the time I'm 12, you'll only be a third of your age older than me.
And by the time I'm 18, you'll only be a quarter older.
And when I'm 24...
ADULT SAZ: Of course from an early age,
I realised not everyone feels the same way.
But still, they can see the advantages
of having a maths whiz in the family.
Come on, contestants, time is running out.
(BUZZER) Factors of 13.
Is correct! Yes!
Congratulations.
But maths hasn't just won me a lot of trophies.
It's seen me through some difficult times.
My God, what's he doing?
Jonno, Jonno!
Because when your heart is breaking,
you can always rely on numbers to help you take control.
(SOBS)
Statistically, the chances of me ending up with Jono are close to nothing.
Forget the statistics. He's a loser, Saz. End of story.
I mean, the average age for a woman to get married
is like 28 and two months.
And did you know that most women marry their 11th sexual partner?
Oh, yeah. One down, ten to go.
Yeah. (SOBS)
(CLINK)
Here's to the future. Mister Eleven.
Mister Eleven.
So here I am Saz Paley, maths teacher and blushing bride-to-be.
And just for the record, I'm 28 years and two months exactly.
And guess what - the numbers all add up!
# WEDDING MARCH
Best foot forward.
Dr Daniel Fenn,
my 11th sexual partner
and my Mister Right.
Hey, you. Hey.
Marrying Mister Eleven guarantees me that what feels right
is also statistically correct,
leaving no room for human error.
(WRONG CHORD ON ORGAN)
That's why I said we should use a recording.
It's fine.
I just want everything to be exactly the way I imagined it.
What's wrong with that?
Nothing.
Although that's pretty much what Hitler said.
VICAR: Please be seated.
Today is a joyous occasion.
Daniel and Sarah are giving each other their vows of marriage
before you, the people that they love.
And as this is a place of worship, I must ask you to respect...
CHILD: Excuse me, miss.
Why are you marrying Dan?
Good question, Francine.
When you reach that stage in any equation
where it all falls into place,
the factoring and the multiplying out
and all the shenanigans come down to this -
the moment you can step back and say:
X equals...
And therefore I proclaim Daniel and Sarah
husband and wife.
(APPLAUSE)
And of course Dan's famous for his dancing.
(LAUGHTER)
This actually happened in a club in Ibiza.
He was offered medical help - medical help -
by someone who thought he was having an epileptic fit.
This is not true. None of this is true.
(LAUGHS)
I did ask Dan how he and Saz met,
but he wouldn't tell me.
I'm guessing dancing wasn't involved, though.
Or even a trip to A&E.
Er...Sarah Paley.
# What a man, what a man, what a man
# What a mighty good man
# Say it again now
# What a man, what a man, what a man
# What a mighty good man
# Yes, he is
# What a man, what a man, what a man
# What a mighty, mighty good man
# Say it again now
# What a man, what a man, what a man...
It'll be my bedside manner.
# Yes, he is... #
What's the verdict, then? Oh, I'll live.
You might call them the perfect couple,
except Ms Maths Teacher here would instantly produce
some cast-iron formula why perfection is impossible.
But to the rest of us, it's obvious they're perfect together.
GUESTS: Aw!
To Dan and Sarah. Sorry. Do it properly.
Sarah and Dan.
ALL: Sarah and Dan!
(CHEERING)
Oh, Saz, you did it.
Oh, shit.
Top wedding, folks. Chuffed to the bollocks for you, Saz.
Aw.
Hey.
Alex, Saz and Dan. Saz and Dan, Alex.
My man of the moment.
Nice to meet you, mate. Congratulations.
Hi.
Hey, there.
Does this taste cold enough to you?
No, you're right. I'll have a word.
Excuse me one second. Don't worry on my account.
I'm more about quantity than quality, to be honest.
# Cos you're filthy
# Ooh, and I'm gorgeous... #
Leanne's right. Terrific wedding.
Thanks.
You look so lovely, by the way.
Oh, piss off. I can't bleedin' move, can I?
Bought it when I was down the gym every night.
Remember that trainer I was stalking? Yes.
You're the one giving everyone the horn, babe.
Ain't she, Alex? Absolutely.
# I've been really tryin', baby
# Tryin' to hold back this feeling
(MOANS)
Have you been drinking, Granny?
Come on, you. Get on that dance floor.
Mind your train. Give it some welly.
# DISCO INFERNO
Thank you for coming.
Are you OK, Len? Yeah, never better.
It was the Cajun chicken. Your mum did warn me.
Treasuring the moment here. (CHUCKLES)
May I? Oh, nick of time. I should have tried the salmon.
That's Len.
Every bit as embarrassing as a real dad.
# Burn, baby, burn
My feet are killing me. I'm going to sit this one out.
Hey, listen. I know this is hardly the time,
but I just don't want it to be awkward.
Ah. You remember, then?
Of course. Jeez.
It didn't seem right to bring it up in front of your husband.
A time and a place, right? Yeah.
Thanks for that.
I just didn't think when Leanne said that she was bringing a plus one.
I thought you lived in Sydney.
Yeah, I do. That's where I met her.
I'm just back here working.
So draw a line?
You're a mate of Leanne's. It was three years ago.
And it's not as though anything even happened.
What?
A kiss and a grope in the back of a taxi.
But there's got to be a statute of limitations, huh?
We spent the night together. Yeah, asleep.
You mean we didn't have intercourse?
Sorry, that sounded like CSI. I just want to be sure.
No. No.
No, you were really out of it.
(GROANS)
So...
clean slate - what do you say?
# Burn, baby, burn
# It's a disco inferno
# Burn, baby, burn... #
So if I didn't sleep with Alex...
..then I haven't just married my Mister Eleven.
(HEART THUMPS) Oh, shit.
Beth, if I didn't sleep with Alex, then Dan isn't Mister Eleven.
'What are you like?'
You don't get it, do you? If Dan isn't Mister Eleven -
if he's actually Mister Ten - then I haven't married Mister Eleven.
I'm the average age marrying my average-number sexual partner,
but now I'm not.
DAN: Saz, hurry up, babe. Right there.
It's like going into a casino. Everyone's got a lucky number.
But you'd be stupid to sit down at the roulette table
and put all your money on if you haven't worked out the odds.
OK, Saz, sweetheart, it's your wedding night.
You've been looking forward to this day for most of your life.
Plus it cost a bloody fortune.
Just this once, get over yourself and just live in the moment, yeah?
Now is not the time to go all Carol Vorderman, you freak.
(MOBILE OFF)
(SNORES) (SIGHS)
Steady there, babe.
Hey, guess what... What?
Today really has been the best day of my life.
You.
# SEA OF LOVE
# Come with me
# My love
# To the sea
# The sea of love
# I want to tell you
Oh...
# How much
# I love you... #
(BUZZ OF CHILDREN'S CHATTER)
'Calm down. Settle down.
Quiet, please.'
OK, your basic fiendish quadratic equation.
ALL: What? Oh, miss!
There isn't just one unknown to discover, which we will call X.
There's A, B and C.
The thing is if you go wrong at any stage
and get a false value for any of the variables,
you're stuffed because you'll never find your way to the right answer.
You'll be stranded solving the wrong problems
till you realise you've made a huge, fundamental mistake.
Questions?
Not you!
Saz? Saz, what's wrong?
(DOOR SLAMS)
# Come with me
# My love
# To the sea
# The sea of love
# I want to tell you... #
Are you feeling better? Think so.
You never learn.
Alcohol on an empty stomach.
Still, it's something to tell our kids, eh? (CHUCKLES)
On our honeymoon night, me and your mother started to get on, and she threw up.
Sexy!
It's...
Look, there's something I need to tell you.
Yeah.
You're not the 11th man I've slept with.
You're not my Mister Eleven.
The 11th man I slept with. You're not.
Oh...
OK.
Well, you're not the 11th woman I've slept with.
Yeah, I know, but it doesn't matter to you.
So...
what am I missing here?
He said no mushrooms.
No, it's OK. It's fine.
I know you're the original numbers anorak, but...
why is this No.11 thing so important?
Thanks.
I know it shouldn't matter, which is why I'm telling you.
To stop it mattering so much.
To me.
Which it shouldn't.
Thanks very much.
Anyway, you should be pleased nothing happened really.
Oh, hang on a sec. Er...fried bread?
The important thing is this is water under the bridge, right?
This is OK, isn't it?
That's the best bit. Dip it in the egg yolk and the tomato.
It's so bad for you. Well, I like it.
I could ask the kitchen, sir.
Yeah, thanks. That'd be great.
Hang on a sec.
Sorry, not you. The fried bread thing's great.
You and Leanne's bloke actually had a conversation
about whether or not you had sex... at our wedding?
Not a conversation.
A chat. When?
At what point in the ceremony
marking our lifelong commitment to each other
did you and Dreamboat chat about
whether or not you'd given each other one?
(RAISED VOICES)
This is about your get-out-of-jail-free shag - isn't it? -
to add up to magical No.11.
(MUFFLED) That's your one thought.
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
Oh. Er...hi. Thanks.
Just hang on.
(You are unbelievable.)
I suppose if he'd have told you before the vows,
you'd have called the whole thing off.
Oh, my God, you would, wouldn't you?
Hang on, I'll...
I'm sorry, I've packed my wallet.
It's really all right.
I was just trying to be honest with you.
He doesn't mind. The man deserves a tip!
Look, Saz, being honest doesn't make everything OK.
Sometimes it's better not to be honest.
In fact, sometimes - and this is one of them - it's just totally rubbish.
I thought yesterday was the best day of my life.
It was!
You being an arsy git doesn't change that.
Arsy?
God, you wish you'd slept with him, don't you? It's so obvious.
Yeah, I do. Because A) he's fit and B) then you'd be Mister Eleven,
and this whole stupid argument wouldn't be happening.
Or do I have to lie about that as well?
Thank you very much.
Oh. Thanks.
You're a real piece of work, you know that?
I asked you to marry me because
there isn't a woman in the world that I'd rather be with -
sleep with, have a laugh with, grow old with.
But if you don't feel the same way...
if you're so preoccupied with this numbers and averages crap, then...
..there's just no point, is there?
Dan! You tosser!
What?
# I can't believe it's over
Hello.
# I watched the whole thing fall
# And I never saw the writing that was on the wall
# If I only knew
# The days were slipping past
# That the good things never last
# That you were crying
# Mmm
# Summer turned to winter
# And the snow, it turned to rain
# Then the rain turned into tears upon your face
# I hardly recognise
# The girl you are today
# And, God, I hope it's not too late
# Mmm
# It's not too late
# Cos you are not alone
# I'm always there with you
# And we'll get lost together
# Till the light comes pouring through
# Cos when you feel like you're done
# And the darkness has won
# Babe, you're not lost
(DOOR OPENS)
# I said, babe, you're not lost... #
All right, consider me punished.
I'm a self-obsessed, spoilt cow,
who doesn't deserve to marry a fantastic man like you.
And I'm going to spend the rest of my life making it up to you.
I can't believe you actually went to work.
It's supposed to be our honeymoon.
Oh, you noticed?
What was everyone going to think?
I don't give a toss what they think.
You see, unlike you, Saz...
..I don't live my life by some cosmic rulebook.
You know what? I'm not ready to talk about this.
We've got to. We're married.
No kidding.
You know, I've been thinking about this, right?
And I reckon this whole Mister Eleven thing
is just about you not having the guts to tell me
that you had your doubts about the wedding and wanted to call it off.
Of course it's not.
You bought dinner?
(STABS READY-MEAL FILM WITH FORK)
OK. I can see I've hurt you and I'm sorry. I truly am.
This numbers stuff is my stuff. Obviously, it's just...
It was a shock, you know?
I don't know when you're going to go off on one.
It's like breakfast. You don't like mushrooms, but you're like:
that's fine, just leave them.
Then you go nuclear with the fried bread.
I thought the thing with Alex was the mushrooms.
Turns out it was the fried bread.
Although actually I thought it WAS the fried bread
cos before you turned out to be obsessed by it and I thought you couldn't care less
and I'd have bet mushrooms were a no-go.
I just like fried bread. Fine!
And I've had this little numbers hiccup.
You know, let's just move on.
It's just wedding jitters. You know? Everyone gets them.
Honest, give it four months tops,
and I'll have adjusted to marriage. For God's sake, Saz.
It's always the same with you.
Reducing things to stupid formulas and numbers.
'Give it four months. Marry Mister Eleven.
It's been a year and a half, so we should move in together.'
You wanted us to move in together. Because it felt right!
Not because it was time to tick some box.
Oh, and for the record,
we hadn't been going out for a year and a half anyway.
Yes, we had.
We started going out in the April. No.
We shagged first in April. We started going out in July.
July?
How do you work that one out?
Look, I don't know. I mean, that's the point.
Things, relationships, they aren't that clear-cut.
They are to me.
Why wouldn't you think we were going out until July?
We were seeing each other loads. We were sleeping together.
(MICROWAVE DINGS)
Oh, my God.
You slept with someone else - didn't you? - after we got together.
Look, just leave it, OK? It's not as if we were committed or anything.
We didn't have that big conversation until July, remember?
I was.
I was totally committed right from the start.
Until the numbers thing didn't add up.
You bastard.
# You know why...
You bastard.
# Why you and I
# Will by and by
# Know true love ways
# Sometimes we'll sigh
# Sometimes we'll cry
# And we'll know why... # (DOORBELL)
Sazzy, what's happened?
Honeymoon's over.
SHIRLEY: Saz, are you awake yet?
# Many's the time I ran with you down
# The rainy roads of our old town
# Many the lives we lived in each day
# And buried all together
# Don't laugh at me
# Don't look away
# You'll follow me back
# With the sun in your eyes
# And on your own
# Bed-shaped and legs of stone
# You'll knock on my door... #
Remember, maths is all about order.
It's about finding patterns and applying them to larger problems.
But this isn't possible, miss.
There's no such thing as impossible. Not at key stage two.
If you can find a pattern, you'll find a solution.
Isn't that right, Alfie?
# My boy Lollipop
# You made my heart go giddy up
# You are as sweet as candy
# You're my sugar dandy... #
Mister One. Jonno Bentley.
I was 16. He was 18.
Enough said! (GIGGLES)
Mister Two. Reggie.
Revenge on Jonno Bentley when he did the nasty on me with Jessica Foster.
Mister Three. Mr Elwood.
No running down the corridor!
First name Dave, actually.
Ed. Nice guy Eddie.
Otherwise known as Mister Four.
I love you!
Mister Five - Fabrizio.
Oh, mamma!
Mister Six. Glasses bloke.
He was drunk and so was I.
Mister Seven. Ade.
Urgh!
(WELSH ACCENT) Kieran.
Mister Eight.
Matt. Mister Nine.
It's not you. It's me. I'm sorry.
And not forgetting Mister Ten,
the boyfriend formerly known as Mister Eleven.
From one to ten, the secrets of my love life.
To work out the value of Mister Eleven, we need to crack the pattern.
Any suggestions?
What do they have in common?
Miss? Someone else!
Oh. Memory lane?
Len never did ever fix this properly.
I can't believe you kept all this stuff, Mum.
Oh.
A good-looking man, your dad.
You know, Sarah, when he passed away,
it felt like the end of the world had come.
I was 29, near enough your age.
(SIGHS) A toddler and a little girl.
I thought: I'm never going to meet anyone else.
But I did. Quite a few times, actually!
Then I met Len and...
Oh! Eddie.
I always liked him.
Yeah, he was lovely, Ed.
He had a lovely bum.
Mum!
The point is, Sarah, when you meet the right man, you just know.
I did when I met Len, just like that.
I can't imagine that whatever it is
you and Dan have fallen out about it can't be mended.
He doesn't seem to think it can.
If it really is over, you'll have to sort out the wedding presents.
People have spent a lot of money.
(PHONE RINGS)
Apparently, our first priority should be giving the presents back.
Or people might think the wedding was a way of conning them out of a set of mattress protectors.
That'll be your mum. Oh, yes.
Worst scenario, we're pursued through the small claims court.
What did your mum and dad say?
Hope you didn't make it sound like it was all my fault. Which it was.
Of course not!
Typical! Making it all about me being the bad guy,
but I can't suggest that you being unfaithful had anything to do with it.
I wasn't. It was April.
I've worked it out, you know? Miss April-July.
Assuming there was just the one, of course. Saz.
It was that junior registrar, wasn't it?
The Spanish one with the amazing arse.
I'm not going into this.
I want you to know whatever you think I've done to you
by obsessing over the 11 thing
is nothing compared to what you got up to.
(What I got up to was not a serious doubt in the middle of our wedding.)
(How can you even think that compares to sleeping with someone else?
Don't you put this all on me. Don't you dare.)
(We weren't even going out properly in April.)
We weren't bloody line dancing!
Leanne, how's it going?
God, sick people. Don't get me started.
They moan all the friggin' time.
So did you blow out Mauritius, then, or what?
(BIRDSONG)
(COUNTDOWN MUSIC)
Nick of time.
Not right now, thanks.
Aw, Sazzy Sue.
Want me to sort Dan out for you? Yeah. Go on. Have him whacked.
I always suspected you were in the Mafia.
You know what I mean.
It's not Dan, Len. It's me.
Well, AND Dan.
It's me and Dan.
Proudest day in my life, you know. Walking you up that aisle.
Saz, love, getting married, it isn't all about... Len...
So not the time.
OK. OK.
Multiply the 19 by the four and divide by the three.
(COUNTDOWN MUSIC)
Tea's ready.
I might have known. Nobody eats this early. We do.
I'll bring it in on a tray for you.
I think I can just about manage it to the kitchen.
How about you, Len? He gets tired.
Since when? Shush!
Conundrum.
(COUNTDOWN JINGLE)
# Nobody's fault but mine
# So I said if I should die
# And my soul, my soul becomes lost
# Then I know
# It's nobody's fault
# But mine #
Yes!
I've cracked it, Beth.
Oh, my God. This is like the scene where they find the serial killer's flat.
So the key to it all is finding the common denominator.
What do all these men have in common?
Apart from dodgy dress sense?
Sex. These men are the set of all the men I've had sex with.
Mr Ellwood? Live and learn.
So all we've got to go on is the fact that doing the deed with this lot
has taught me effectively...nothing.
Apart from how to cook a stir-fry. That was Matt.
So? So...that's the answer.
No more sex.
Because sex confuses things.
If some time in the very distant future, obviously,
I meet a man, and I don't sleep with him,
my judgement won't be clouded.
The only man I sleep with from now on
is the one I am rock-solid certain is Mister Right.
Who will be - QED - my Mister Eleven.
Yeah. You do realise you just got married to Dan, you lunatic.
That's the problem, isn't it?
Which is why I've been through all of this. No.
Before you go off on another one about this stupid statistic,
can you not see how in some way
this mess might have been caused by you? Me?
Exhibit A - Eddie. Total sweetheart.
Why did you split up with him?
He went to Africa, remember? Mali to teach.
Any other reason you can think of?
REVELLERS: Five, four, three, two, one!
(CHEERING)
Eddie!
What? What is it?
You're not going to throw up, are you?
I want to get married. (DRUNKEN LAUGH)
Oh, um...
that is... We can't get married.
I mean even if you asked me in about nine years
when I've slept with loads more blokes,
you'd still be the wrong number. That is so sweet, Eddie.
# Celebrate good times, come on!
Come on! (LAUGHS)
(WHOOPS)
# Celebrate good times, come on!
Are you going to get dressed any time today, Saz?
What's wrong with breaking up with someone
when you know you're not serious about them?
If you've decided you're never going to be serious,
of course you'll break up. But... What?
What is your problem, Saz? Your whole life you've been fixated on this number stuff.
We've all laughed and said good old Saz and her funny little ways.
On holiday you'd never let us stop at a service station unless it was equivalent...
Equidistant between the destination point and the point of departure.
Yes. But the reason for that... I don't care. I wet myself.
I wet myself outside of Torquay because you wouldn't let Len stop until bloody Plymouth.
Doesn't that tell you anything? Life doesn't add up.
You really think I don't know that? No, I don't think you do.
Stop counting and start feeling, and give us all a break.
(MOBILE RINGS) It's yours.
Hope I haven't pressed anything. Oh, it's Leanne.
(RINGING CONTINUES)
Hi, Leanne.
It's Shirley here. Mum!
I'm fine.
(What have you said to her?) Nothing.
ALEX: I didn't think you'd take the call if you saw it was me.
I need to talk to you, Saz. Did you get my text?
Er, no. Hang on.
I mean it, Saz.
I...can't get you out of my head.
In the words of Kylie.
I can't talk now. It's not a good time.
Wrong number thing.
(GENTLY) Now... Oh, yes, look.
Maybe Beth's right. Maybe it is time to stop counting and start feeling.
It could be that numbers are causing my problems, instead of solving them.
Saz Paley? Eddie McGee.
Shags Reunited!
It's heaving in there. Let's find somewhere quieter. Mm-hm.
So am I allowed to ask questions now you're here in person?
That's kind of the point, right? Catching up. Absolutely.
Actually, I Facebooked you.
So I know you're still teaching maths. Mm-hm.
Here?
Um...nowhere to sit.
Yeah. You know me - can't get away from the old numbers.
Talking of which,
I think I owe you an apology.
So no wedding ring, I see.
Not serious with the doctor, then?
I really should update my page.
Oh. You neither.
Ah. Long story.
Me too.
Look, that's what I wanted to apologise about, really.
I mean, I know I've always sort of done things by the book,
and if that meant that I broke your heart, then I'm truly sorry, Ed.
I've been thinking a lot about the past and...
Anyway, enough of my stuff.
What's your story?
Oh, one of the twins had this phase of putting things down the sink,
and I made the totally fatal mistake of taking my ring off
and leaving it by the draining board.
You do the maths. Hey, you do do the maths!
Anyway, called a plumber out, no luck.
Audrey still hasn't really forgiven me. I can't afford a replacement.
What's your story? I hope it's more interesting than mine.
Wow, twins!
Oh, God, yeah. Didn't you Facebook me?
Um...
my laptop's at my flat.
More of a long story, really.
Zac and Joel.
Hoping the next one's a girl. Well, I am. Audrey says she doesn't care.
Audrey? Yeah.
She's really looking forward to meeting you.
It turned out really well meeting up here.
Antenatal yoga's just up the road.
Wow, that's great!
No.3. You must have fantastic sperm.
Oh, here she is now. Audrey!
(MOUTHS)
Ed, do you remember that big New Year's party at Louise's?
She's got a bladder like a pea. It was even worse with the twins.
Millennium thing?
I feel a bit weird talking about this, Saz. It was so long ago.
Of course, totally. I understand.
I just wondered - do you think I gave us a chance or did I ruin everything
by deciding it was too early because you were the wrong number?
The wrong number? Forget it.
Was I just basically a nightmare control freak?
We were really young and...
you know, although you totally broke my heart,
it turns out you did me a favour.
Timing is everything, right?
Ed!
Oh, my God!
(YELLS)
(PANTS) Just... (PANTS)
(PANTS)
I just hope Ed can find a parking space.
Forget it round here. It's a nightmare.
I told him we need to check out the parking before I was due.
He was never great on forward planning. That is so true!
Hope you didn't let him pack your case. No.
(SCREAMS)
Actually, Audrey, Audrey, I know somebody who works here.
If you just give me a second...
Don't leave me! You'll be fine. You'll be fine.
(SCREAMS) Ed! Where's bloody Ed?
(TYRES SCREECH)
# Too much pressure
I'll ring Alex. He can move my car and you can have the space.
You're a star. You need to put this in the windscreen. Right.
Didn't kill you, did it?
Ed, I'm on level two. Quick as you can.
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
# Too much pressure
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
The Spanish one with the amazing arse.
Hey!
Where's the father-to-be? On his way.
# Too much pressure
# Too much pressure (TYRES SCREECH)
Ed! Ed!
# Too much pressure
# Has got to stop #
Just leave the keys in. It's all happening.
Thanks.
How did you find a space so quickly?
I just work around the corner.
What is it you do again? I'm sure Leanne must have gone on about it.
International crisis management.
It's like when there's a mass emergency, like the tsunami,
we coordinate the emergency services -
information to relatives,
parking cars for people...
Listen, Saz... No. Look, Alex.
Look, this is no.
I don't know what you think you're playing at
calling me and texting me like that.
Well, like I said, you've been on my mind.
This is messed up, you know.
Apart from what's going on in my life, which is a major consideration,
it has quite a lot to do with you.
What would Leanne think if she knew you were doing this?
According to her, you're about to move in together.
I thought you were a decent bloke. I am.
What do you mean - this has got a lot to do with me?
You mean, you and Dan splitting up?
Just forget it. Just skip it.
You can't fight your feelings, Saz.
Of course you can, especially if your feelings are located entirely in your bloody trousers.
Hey, give me some credit here. No.
Why should I? Feelings?
Feelings are crap.
Crap!
'Stop counting, Saz, and start feeling.'
So you feel this and you feel that, and you start making a decision about
who you'll spend the rest of your life with,
and there's no backup. None!
(SIGHS) And it turns out he's been having it off with Miss Hola!
Who he lied about, incidentally,
because she's not back in Spain. She's right here.
Who knows how long it's been going on right under my nose!
And I think: OK, I'll see how I feel about Eddie.
But he's moved on - Audrey and twins - and I don't feel good.
Saz.
See?
Maybe I am neurotic. Everyone else seems to think so.
Mostly I just think you're scared.
What do I have to be scared about?
This.
# Should I give up...
# Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
# Even if it leads nowhere?
# Or would it be a waste
# Even if I knew my place?
# Should I leave it there?
# Should I give up...
Dan.
# Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Dan!
# Even if it leads nowhere? #
You're with Leanne. What if I weren't?
You need to sort yourself out.
You haven't made it up, have you? BOTH: No.
Must be the drugs.
The crazy idiot's only gone and chucked me.
I can't sleep with you, Alex.
Dan, would you like a glass of wine? What are you doing here?
Saz, has it really gone that far? Yeah, well beyond that far.
So what's the problem, mate?
This was between me and you.
How is he? We don't know yet. He's lost a lot of blood.
Alex! Can you put me through to Emergencies?
I don't need your approval, you arrogant arsehole.
You need ME.
He's a good man, Saz. It's just you and me, then.
I really wish I could believe you meant that.
# Oh, well, in five years' time we could be walking round a zoo
# With the sun shining down over me and you
# And there'll be love in the bodies of the elephants too
# I'll put my hands over your eyes, but you'll peep through
# And there'll be # Sun, sun, sun
# All down our necks
# And there'll be # Sun, sun, sun... #